So, here I am again. The one place I can rant on and on. Yes, it'll be about your friends being in relationships. Yes, the ones where at one moment you hear about 'Oh, he's so sweet' or the 'OMG, he did that, just for me? That's so adorable.’; or the ones where they go on and on about 'Why can't he just listen to me for once?', 'How can he not tell me his problems?', 'Why is he not calling me? You know, we just spoke over BBM.' (Yes, you guessed it right, throughout the day.) And there are those who'll just talk about their boyfriends, even if I have never seen their respective boyfriends’ face or don't remember their names.
And again you guessed it right, am single. And I really don't know if am happy or sad about it. Well, sometimes am really sad, like depressingly sad and sometimes am in the seventh heaven. I'm like flying high; over, away and beyond from all the pain and hurt. From the drama and the annoyingly dependent and vulnerable behaviour of girls. Hmm, can I not try to figure out how I feel about being single because I really don't know. And added to that, I feel like shit. I feel like a stone cold woman with no emotions. A woman with no human attachment. Ok, I have to admit, I cry a lot. I have cried in a movie like Phir Bhi Dil Hain Hindustani. Let alone that, I have cried and cried after reading a print ad. So, when it comes to liking a guy (let alone relationships) I’m like this emotional woman who has dried up her emotions and tears by crying on stupid things like a stupid yet wonderful Chivas Regal print ad.
Ok, so coming back to the main topic. (I have this habit of shifting from one line of thought to another. Sorry about that.) Where was I? Yeah, the art of being in a relationship. So, I realised that I suck at it. I cannot whine on things about the things mentioned above. I am a strong independent girl and I can't imagine myself acting like somebody who's vulnerable. (So what if I cry a lot.) I am just not made like that. Friends tell me that once am in one, I mean a relationship, I would do the same thing. But as hard as I've tried to imagine myself in a relationship (tightly shutting my eyes and putting myself in some somebody else's shoes) I can't. It just doesn't happen like that. Or does it? As I said before, sometimes I feel like a stone cold woman. This is one of the many uncountable times when I feel like a stone cold woman. But then I tell my heart (which has nothing to do with your emotions scientifically) that it doesn't have to be like that. It shouldn't be like that. You might just start feeling happy or shitty about a person or due to a person. You never know. Do I sound like a Mills and Boon fan? Well, I am one. I was. Rather. But when you're in your adolescence everyone is. I’m not a teenager anymore and reality is annoyingly stark naked in front of me.
Now, if I look back, I have almost pushed away every single guy who has ever liked me or vice versa. And no, before you can think of calling me selfish, I am not selfish at all. My friends can vouch for it. It’s just that I don't know the art of being in a relationship. I have never understood it, let alone mastering it.
But, once, for a month I guess, my life was similar to the friends I have who are in relationships. I spent days with him. My weekend was completely clear for him and I looked forward to meet him. But then my friends were single and thought of him as not 'date worthy' enough because of 'obvious' reasons. (Now to think of it, they were never that obvious to me). Just to prove them am not much into him I faked my displeasure in spending time with him (peer pressure, I guess).The friends complained that he is taking me away from them (the real friends) and convinced me to ditch him. Yes, before it could be official, I ditched him. Didn't even have the pleasure of dumping him (Not that it was my ultimate plan, but still). So I chose the friends over the prospective guy. Can't blame it on them too as it was my decision at the end of the day. I just loved the free time, the ‘me’ time. But still when I look back I realise the only guy I was happy with after a very long time is not with me anymore. Because the stone cold woman in me chose to be with me, alone.
I remember a classmate in one of my schools told me that Aquarians are not at all romantic and like being aloof. So there I was trying to prove her wrong and believing in all the things promised by a romantic ‘aww’ Hollywood movie. And I almost started believing in it. If only they had given a little more importance to the art of being in a relationship I would have written something completely opposite of what I have ranted about today.
